What If I Die Tonight?

Nobody wants to end up dead, at least I don’t. We all want to live forever, to somehow escape death. Maybe some of us have thought about it, probably even made plans for it. I think smokers court death more than anyone else does. (I’ve been having this fascination with smoking lately. I’m trying to get me a pack of cigars).

It’s 4:04am Tuesday morning as I write this. If the circumstances were befitting, I’d probably strip naked and write this piece. (I’ve always wanted to do that). It’s a sleepover at our usual couple friends’ diggz. Been having them lately now that I’m out of the eight to five rat race.

The room we are in has this persistent blinking light that I can’t figure out how to switch off in the dark, so I let it have its way. Insomnia is cuddling me real good and I’m in thought. Scattered thoughts about my life, how to pay debts, how to make something of my life, how to have more sex, how to learn new skills, how to be a better friend and lover, how to go back to the gym, how to play chess more, how to travel the world, how to get a hold of my time, pretty much how to do life right now in this new space I’m at.

Then, out of the blues as I look at the blinking orange light I think to myself, what if I die tonight? Any last words? Well, let me spew them here. I want to do this in the shortest time possible just to keep it real and raw.

I want her to know I love her. May she never doubt whether I ever really loved her because I do. And if this is my last night, may she know that she was the one I truly loved. But there was one who broke my heart, and there was one who almost snatched the throne but she triumphed because from the time she said yes, she was and has always being my Queen, my Reina.

If I did anything of substance in my short twenty seven years, let it be that I inspired somebody else to love. Maybe they had given up hope on love or maybe they had never loved before. Whatever the case, let it be that I inspired and spurred a love like never before in them, through my words, written or spoken. That will be my true legacy, whether I ever get to know of it or not. Love reigns.

Dad, I have loved you from the time I knew you were my father. You are a perfect human in my eyes, your flaws don’t even scratch the surface of how perfect you are. I love you Dad, you are my champion.

I was far from perfect myself, towards the end of my life, I battled with alcoholism. I loved sex too much. I did things I never was proud about. I thank God for giving me an honest heart especially to self. I kept it real to my level best and I would probably do it all over again.

Speaking of God. I loved you, I questioned you, I argued with your existence and many times you left me confused. Open your doors for me, your son is home!

If I die tonight, I want to die with a smile on my face. I don’t want to die a coward; I want to say I faced death. I saw it coming and I stood still and made chat with it. I was certain it was time, that I wouldn’t live to be ninety-five like I imagined but I lived my best. Yes, there is loads of potential that was left undiscovered but that’s for another life, whatever that life may be.

Writing: You were the human that lived within me. You were shy; you only came out on your own terms. I learned to love you as is. I learned to call myself by your name. I was married to you long before I knew it. My Paps in heaven organized that whole marriage before I came of age. I only hope I loved you back like you would have me love you. I’ll miss you .

I smiled. I cried. God knows I kept dreaming, many dreams that had no end. I was afraid of life, of adulting, of being a good man but I braced it all like the lion I am. I’m happy I lived; happy I got to know my family and love them, happy that I was called uncle by two amazing souls. It’s sad that I have to leave but equally rewarding too. To know my time is up and I did not fret about it.

I didn’t own much but my heart and confidence were my biggest pride. I was the lion in the pack that waited patiently for his turn to lead. Maybe it never came to fruition like I thought it would, maybe it did. I know I significantly touched a couple of people’s lives. May they honour my name when they speak about me.

My only regret is that I didn’t get a son. I would have loved to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, to bless you, to feel your small hands touch my stunted beard, to hear your cry, to change your diapers. I would have loved to name you. Only that is my biggest regret.

It’s 4:29 am as I wrap this up. Who knows, maybe I will die and this piece will be read at my funeral. If that happens, Reina can read it. Or my beautiful small sister, whoever gets the strength to do so. But if I wake up tomorrow, I will know that death is not close and I have a couple more days or hours to live if not years.

But for now, I live.

4:31 AM. (The light keeps blinking).


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